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Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" -- "I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!" |
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Friday, May 31, 2002So what you see below are a few of the pictures taken this weekend. I'll be posting more soon, with the help of the Notorious BJK, as well as providing a link to a comprehensive online photo album. For the time being, you'll have to ponder the profound psychological disorders of the person responsible for the Carrot Top 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials. There'll be a better description of the event forthcoming, as well. But for now, you must resign yourselves to extracting the sundry wisdoms from Maxim magazine..: posted by hornswaggler 12:08 AM| Thursday, May 30, 2002
Dean Ween - Mountain Aire Festival 2002 .: posted by hornswaggler 10:34 PM| 
Trey Anastasio - Mountain Aire Festival 2002 .: posted by hornswaggler 9:32 PM| Smoking Loon wine not only has a cool name, the cork is Orange! It tastes alright too. .: posted by hornswaggler 7:11 PM| Wednesday, May 29, 2002
Galactic's Jeff Raines - Mountain Aire Festival 2002 .: posted by hornswaggler 9:54 PM| Did anyone read the San Francisco Chronicle's front page article Monday (reprinted from the Washington Post) about Bush's remarks on Pakistan? At the end, there's four paragraphs with the sub-heading "Bush Jet-Lagged, Testy." Read it. I'm waiting for him to have a full breakdown one of these days at a news conference. Nearly three months after Sept. 11, Bush is still getting a free pass and his idiocy is largely being buried. Fuck that. Also, according to Leah Garchik's "The In Crowd" in the Datebook section of the Chronicle, and I'm going to have to email Leah and ask her if she is yanking major chain here, Bush calls Russian President Vladimir Putin "Pootie-Poot." To his face, apparently. In fact, Bush informed a group of reporters last week that he told Putin, "I told Pootie-Poot: Let's Roll. We're going to hit a hole in one against terra.*" Alright, that last quote I made up. *In the Bush lexicon, there is no third "r" in "terror." It's pronounced, "terra," as in terra firma. .: posted by hornswaggler 12:59 PM| I was just reminded of Ari Fleischer, Dubya's spokesperson. Much more repulsive than Stone and in much greater need of Reprogramming. Back from Mountain Aire, which was awesome. There are some great pictures on the way. Pretty much everyone I talked to agreed that Ween rocked the house harder than anyone. Trey was fantastic the first night, less so the second. Derek Trucks and Robert Randolph were terrific (Trucks played with Trey first night for "Cayman Review" and "Night Speaks to a Woman") and Galactic was great as always. .: posted by hornswaggler 12:44 PM| Friday, May 24, 2002Before I go, what follows is an actual ad I saw posted in a Muni bus shelter here in San Francisco: "Relaxation: Go Greyhound and Define It for Yourself." You've got to be kidding me. Like a lot of people, I've got a story about an experience aboard a Greyhound bus, and I'll spin it for y'all when I get back..: posted by hornswaggler 5:00 PM| I'm off to the Mountain Aire music festival in Calaveras County -- land of the jumping frogs and crystal meth laboratories -- for which I've finagled a press and photo pass (the concert, not the labs). If I can't sell what results from this weekend as an article or ten, I will at least post it here. For now, I'll leave you with an excerpt from my upcoming novel: "The last time I saw Stone Phillips, we were in Mexico City. We'd wandered into the wrong neighborhood, where we were confronted by a roving pack of toughs decked out with handlebar mustachios and leather chaps. Luckily, a fight broke out in a bar nearby and it spilled out into the street, engulfing us. The police responded. In the melee I ducked into the crowd and out of harm's way. Stone was not so lucky. As the police busted heads and I was borne away by the throng, I saw Stone, his pants around his ankles and his clothes in tatters, stumbling frantically up the alley into the darkness beyond, screaming "yo no soy homosexual! yo no soy homosexual!", with the gang members in hot pursuit. I'll never forget that night, especially the delicious enchiladas I had earlier at that quaint sidewalk cafe." .: posted by hornswaggler 3:25 PM| Thursday, May 23, 2002Also, I'm aware that this site does not "look good." It's not "easy on the eyes" or "loaded with options." It doesn't "possess any functionalities." You can't "do anything with it." You can tell that "I have no clue about html." You get the idea. But what's really important is here already. The words. The heart. The sardonic humor. But, anyway, the layout is going to improve very soon (archives! links! pretty pictures!), so keep posted..: posted by hornswaggler 2:40 PM| I just conducted a telephone interview with the Australian Broadcasting Corporation for Radio National "Breakfast" about the X-Files article. If you're from Down Under and hear it, I apologize for the rambling. I had talking points and everything but to no avail. You may be starting to wonder what the hell this blog is about. Well, it is not, despite appearances, devoted exclusively to the Lakers-Kings series and Stone Phillips, although I'm afraid Stone will be a recurring theme. What you'll see on this site includes but is not limited to: media and cultural criticism, humor, political commentary, film and music reviews. I'm going to devote some time to pointing out the inadequacies of San Francisco's print journalism, particulary the two dailies, the Chronicle and the Examiner. Sports is going to play only a minor role, but this will nevertheless eventually be the location of the best Philadelphia Eagles commentary outside of good old Dave Spadaro (at www.philadelphiaeagles.com - goddamn these malfunctioning links) and the best Duke University basketball commentary period, because the people who do the sites my obsessive friends check out are a little too Rah Rah. I'm from Philly, where fan self-flaggelation is a way of life. Basically, though, I want this to be a site that friends and others bored out of their minds at work can include on the list of sites they visit during the day for a chuckle or two. .: posted by hornswaggler 2:31 PM| Wednesday, May 22, 2002Chandra Levy's remains have been found. The bumbling D.C. police have finally gotten a break in the case. Just as it was looking as if, since Columbo is a fictional character and therefore most likely unavailable, I'd have to go down there myself and investigate the disappearance. I mean, did the police check this park for her body or what?According to the Washington Post, Levy searched a Web site for the Klingle Mansion in Rock Creek Park on the day she disappeared. Her body was found a mile from the mansion. Did someone call her to arrange a rendezvous there and then murder her and bury the body? That would make the crime premeditated. I wonder what color Gary Condit's (a.k.a., Mason Verger from "Hannibal." Anyone else notice the resemblance?) tighty whities are right now. .: posted by hornswaggler 2:51 PM| Herbert Kornfeld, Accounts Receivable Supervisor, is back. So step to his grill if you wants the knowledge. .: posted by hornswaggler 1:09 PM| "Be still, Taggert, be still! My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention." .: posted by hornswaggler 1:04 PM| Tuesday, May 21, 2002Go read my article at Salon again. Don't cheat yourself, treat yourself. Go on, you deserve the delicious goodness..: posted by hornswaggler 2:34 PM| Ken Layne* (www.kenlayne.com) writes a column laying out a conspiracy theory in regard to Kobe Bryant's food poisoning prior to game two of the Western Conference Finals. Bryant's illness had him doubled over with intestinal cramps and, according to TNT's Craig Sager, "losing it from both ends." When asked for proof of this assertion, Sager produced two ziplock baggies filled with two different foul-looking liquids. All I know is that, despite Shaq's bellowing like a bull elephant while galumphing back up the court after each of his several thunderous dunks in the second half, Sacramento was not to be cowed. As usual, Shaq was gracious in defeat, blaming the loss on the referees. According to ESPN.com, Shaq had this to say after the game: "In order to beat us, you have to beat us fair and square. There's only one way to beat us. It starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T.' The real basketball fans understand what's going on here." And while Bryant's food-poisoning clearly played a factor in the Lakers' defeat, he should remember that, if he really wants to be like Mike, he cannot rely upon excuses of any kind. Jordan did not let sickness dampen his resolve in the finals against the Utah Jazz in a pivotal game at Utah. Anyone remember if that was '97 or '98? *I apologize, but certain links aren't working. I'm going to have to consult the peeps at Blogger about this. .: posted by hornswaggler 2:20 PM| Monday, May 20, 2002A legendary interview..: posted by hornswaggler 11:28 PM| Dolphin Sex. Prepare to have your mind blown. Courtesy of Herr Morris. .: posted by hornswaggler 11:26 PM| So far, my favorite songs on Trey Anastasio's debut solo album are the bouncing blues "Cayman Review" and the ballad "Drifting." The first song on the album, "Alive Again," has been released as a single, but I have to quibble with the choice. The song works live and it sounds fine on the album but, as a single that is going to be distributed into the mainstream, its message is on the preachy side and reminiscent of what Dave Matthews has already pounded home repeatedly. Also, the chorus, with its half-step descents, sounds suspiciously like Phish's "Moma Dance." I think that, if it were done right, a video of "Drifting" could actually put a dent in MTV's charts. But that's just my opinion. Regardless, Trey is the man and you should all go to www.treyanastasio.com (having problem with the link), where you can listen to the entire album, and then go out and buy it. .: posted by hornswaggler 5:37 PM| I saw the final episode of the X-Files last night and truth be told, it wasn't that bad. There were some hokey moments but overall I like the way Carter resolved the story. And I say all this, of course, despite the criticisms I put forth in my article in Salon. I liked it when Gibson Praise, who appears to be headed for a puberty crisis of Screech-like proportions, revealed that one of the judges on the secret military tribunal was an alien. And I dug it when Kersh helped Mulder escape. Mulder and Scully sucked face. That was nice. I think the fact that Mulder and Scully are now on the run together is a good way of tying up their relationship. One complaint would be that, while Carter was explaining the history of the aliens, he might as well have made it more comprehensible. Are the black oil virus aliens different than or the same as the flying saucer aliens? Hell if I know. I have to admit that I got something wrong in the article, however. Fonzie jumped the shark tank in waterskis and not on a motorcycle, as I had it. And waterskis is so much better. The fact of the matter is Happy Days was before my time and of the many syndicated reruns I saw, the "jump the shark" episode was not one of them. And I'm thankful for that. I'm sure I would have been dumber for having seen it. .: posted by hornswaggler 2:42 PM| A friend was surprised that my hyperlinks are working. Oh they work alright, mein freund. The magic is only beginning. .: posted by hornswaggler 1:16 PM| Saturday, May 18, 2002Well, that was inevitable. Kobe Bryant is just that good. But my eyes were opened by Bobby Jackson and his ability to finish around the basket. His minutes need to be upped in game two, even if it means Bibby has to sit a little. Now it's time to get out and enjoy what's left of this beautiful San Francisco day.The sun glances in the window, warming the room. A roommate cranks Metallica's "Master of Puppets" while showering. I wonder if SNL tonight will address this little fiasco/tennis-ball-in-the-path-of-the-Bush-PR-"Juggernaut"-brand-steamroller that the president finds himself in with respect to the news of the warnings the administration received prior to Sept. 11. SNL and the lovely, intelligent, sweet sweet Tina Fey are pretty timely these days in terms of breaking political news. I wouldn't be surprised to see a skit with Will Ferrell, as Bush of course, playing beer pong or something while his aides (who, in reality, are the ones who are culpable) try to brief him on the reports. My name is now hyperlinked. Write to Butthead. .: posted by hornswaggler 6:57 PM| Kobe Bryant wore shades onto the court today for the shootaround. What a jackass. Please, Sacramento, please beat the Lakers. And then there's Shaquille O'Neal. Most freakish and dominant athletes, as they get older, tend to regard their talent, their physical ability, as "gifts from God." I.e., it's something out of their control. Not Shaq. Shaq takes full credit. .: posted by hornswaggler 3:50 PM| Friday, May 17, 2002Oh man! Did Stone and I have a good laugh about all this last night or what?! He was drinking Smirnoff Ice, and while he wasn't as drunk as this guy, he was pretty saucy..: posted by hornswaggler 3:09 PM| Thursday, May 16, 2002We live in tumultuous times. Times that teach you to appreciate the simple things: your health, your family's health. They're also times when the author of a small web log could get himself in an assload of trouble by issuing purely fictitious but thoroughly unkind diatribes against certain smarmy tabloid news personalities. I don't want to wind up on John Ashcroft's naughty list, so what follows is a brief legal disclaimer:The author of this site does not wish any harm upon Dateline NBC Anchor Stone Phillips, nor does he condone any harm perpetrated against him by anyone who has or has not come across this small mote-speck of a site. There, that's out of the way. Which is good. Because Stone, you in trouble, dawg. I am going to bring you down. I can no longer live in a world in which Stone Phillips is held in anything approaching high regard, by anyone. If Stone Phillips was created in God's image, then God must surely be Troy McClure. It boggles the mind that one human being could take himself this seriously. Have you ever wondered how this guy looks at himself in the mirror? Well, I have. And any day now I'll be going into pre-production on my debut feature film. It's an update on Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment," adapted for the 21st century. In it, two disaffected youths abduct Stone and attempt to smack some sense into him. But, unfortunately, things go awry, as they often do in Coen brothers movies (they've agreed to executive produce), and they wind up knocking him off. He just drives them out of their fucking minds with his daily reports on the condition of his chafed wrists, on the inadequacy of their non-extra-whitening toothpaste, etc. So then, when I'm at Cannes, and my film is up for the big frond, a reporter will ask the question that is surely on your mind right now. He or she will ask: "Aren't you at all concerned about the possibility of a copycat crime?" And I will reply, after a languid pull on my Dunhill cigarette, "But you see, that is precisely the idea." .: posted by hornswaggler 6:47 PM| |
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