Hornswaggler

2011-08-08T12:47:00.000-07:00

Presimidential

Obama channels Milhouse: "My Mom thinks I'm still AAA!"

2011-08-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

Obummer

If you want a thorough summation of liberal disappointment in Obama, Drew Westen's Sunday piece in the Times has got you covered.

2011-08-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

Phew!

Such a relief that Moody's didn't downgrade its credit rating for the United States in the wake of the debt-ceiling debate. Why does anyone care what these credit rating agencies think at this point? They had all Lehman and all the other investment banks and institutions that were poised for collapse in 2008 rated at the highest levels. They're either corrupt or incompetent. The notion that they can wag their finger at the U.S. government is a joke.

UPDATE: As if on cue, Standard & Poor's downgraded the U.S. government. Ezra Klein has a persuasive take: S&P is a flawed institution, but its decision here makes sense.

SECOND UPDATE: Krugman has a more persuasive take.

2011-08-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

Bad robot

This happened a month ago, but better late than never. I finally got around to writing about "Transformers 2," which transfixed me with its badness when I saw it in 2009. In advance of the third "Transformers" movie, which came out last month, I delved into the worst aspects of the second one:

What's the worst thing about 2009's "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"?

Tough question. That's like asking, "What's your favorite Rolling Stones album?" Or, "Who's more likely to wind up leading police on an O.J.-style car chase, Charlie Sheen or Spencer Pratt from 'The Hills'?"

2011-07-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

Travel notes

I had a new experience last weekend in the security line at SFO. The woman checking my ID looked up from my driver's license and asked, "Aaron, what's your last name?" After I provided the correct reply and proceeded, I heard her ask the same question of the people behind me, so I guess this is Homeland Security's new thing. Look out, terrorists! You think you can fool the TSA? Well, you better make sure you memorize the first name and the last name on your fraudulent travel documents. You'd think they'd at least ask for your address. The TSA: Not quite as clever as the bouncer checking a 17-year-old's fake ID at a dive bar.

2011-06-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

Yo, Rocco!

"Rocco's Dinner Party" is a career home run for host Rocco DiSpirito. Whereas before I had no real opinion of him, now I think he's an A-hole and a D-bag.

2011-06-08T20:17:00.000-07:00

From the Department of Bad Jokes

Latest Tweet from Anthony Weiner: Let me repeat -- I will not resign. However, I will look into changing my last name.

2011-06-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

Brooksy

I try not to write about politics these days but David Brooks' obtuseness is irresistible. In his May 26 column, Brooks argues that the Republicans should seek a grand bargain on raising the debt ceiling, under which Democrats would agree to Medicare cuts. "In exchange, Republicans should offer to raise tax revenues on the rich."

Have ya been, uh, payin' attention to the, uh, politics in the nation's capital there, David? BECAUSE THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. There's a better chance of Maria Shriver taking Arnold back than Republicans raising taxes on the rich. It's kind of their animating purpose.

And so what's the point of this column then? It should have ended with, "Sorry, I was deliberately wasting your time."

The whole thing is premised on the notion that what Republicans really care about is cutting the debt, when what they really care about is cutting taxes on the wealthy and dismantling entitlement programs. The debt just provides an excuse to do it. It's debatable whether Brooks actually believes this false notion or not.

2011-06-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

Das Comeback

That. Was. Awesome. It's especially satisfying to see the preening, chest-thumping, front-running Heat* get an overhand right to the face. There's something about this Mavericks team that, when they start when of their late-game runs, causes their opponents to panic. The Mavs couldn't have won this game if the Heat hadn't handed it to them with horrible shot selection -- one contested three with the shot clock expiring after another -- but their collective will to win seems to induce psychological meltdowns.

*One of the strangest things about the 2010-11 Heat is that Dwyane Wade has become unlikable. Maybe the relentless media and fan criticism of his team has twisted him a bit, made him bitter or defensive, but on the court these days he comes off as kind of a punk.

2011-06-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

Treacly Barber

In the May 30 issue of Sports Illustrated, there's a story on retired New York Giants running back Tiki Barber's attempt to return to football. Besides rehashing Barber's fall from grace, the article ponders the reignition of Barber's passion for the game.

The only mention in the roughly 3,000-word article that money, not a love of football, might be the prime motivator behind this 36-year-old man's attempt to return to play arguably the most punishing position in all of professional sports is this sentence: "Barber insists that regardless of how costly four children and a contentious divorce might be, he's neither broke nor motivated by money."

Uh, huh. Anyone who's even glanced at the New York Post's coverage of Barber's affair and divorce calls BS on this. According to the Post, his ex-wife, on whom he cheated while she was pregnant with twins, is asking for a ton of money in the divorce, and he has claimed in court that he's broke and can't pay it. Maybe he's just posturing with that claim, but regardless the portrait that emerges is one of a guy who lives a flashy, expensive life in Manhattan, the kind that can lead one to blow through hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, at minimum. And now he's flamed out of TV, and his best chance for the kind of payday that'll support both the lifestyle to which he's accustomed as well as expensive child and spousal support is football.

Either the magazine bought Barber's spin or agreed to downplay the money angle as a condition for access. Either way, bad job by SI.

2011-06-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

Da Journal

The centerpiece of Thursday's Wall Street Journal was a photo of Obama and the British prime minister serving food at a barbecue in London. The headline read: "Leaders Serve Up Burgers -- With a Side of Diplomacy." Wow that's bad.

I'm not a regular Journal reader, and obviously the visual approach of the paper has changed since Murdoch introduced photos, but it seems safe to say that centerpiece, teasing to a news story on page A12, is much more like the USA Today than the Journal of five years ago. There must be people at that newspaper who are tearing their hair out.

2011-05-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

Nitpicking Bob Dylan

In "Masters of War," he sings:

Let me ask you one question,
Is your money that good?
Will it buy you forgiveness?
Do you think that it could?

That's three questions.

This has been an edition of Nitpicking Bob Dylan.

2011-05-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

Newt

Tough times for de Gaulle.

2011-05-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

Posey

This isn't meant to delight in Buster Posey's broken leg -- he's a good player and seems like a good guy -- but merely to note that the Giants' incredible run of luck*, which propelled them to a title last year, appears to be at an end. The Giants are a good team with amazing pitching, but from the start it was going to be hard for them to repeat given their patchwork offensive personnel. Everything went right for them last year. Something has now gone wrong.

*or devil worship.

2011-05-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

Opes

Not so sure how good those last few Oprah shows were, but I'm pretty sure she set a new Guinness record at Chicago's United Center for Getting Your Ass Kissed by the Most Celebrities in One Day.

2011-05-25T08:35:00.000-07:00

Dentist

The most disconcerting thing at my long-overdue deep cleaning -- besides the fact that the guy doing the cleaning didn't know how to use the word "yourself," messing it up repeatedly, eg "We'll numb that up right there for ya, which should make things more comfortable for yourself" -- was the urgency with which he would reach for the water nozzle and suction tube when his scraping produced bleeding, which was often. Like every fraction of a second counted in the race to clear out the blood. Also, at a certain point he adjusted my seat up and stood to do his work. I turned off my iPod for a moment and could hear him breathing a bit heavily from the exertion. Then he exhaled the way someone might when he's concentrating on defusing a bomb, a sort of deep OK-buddy-you-can-do-this breath that in the movies would be combined with a wiping of sweat from the brow. Good times.

2011-05-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

Gross

I heard "Walk this Way" the other day and couldn't understand half the lyrics, so I looked them up. I guess I'd never realized just how skeevy this song was.

2011-05-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

Jumpshots

Brutal collapse by the Thunder last night. I've watched parts of several of their games now in the playoffs and their problem seems to be a tendency to rely on jumpshots, many of them contested. Which is especially bad when you consider they're arguably the most athletic team in the league. When they need clutch baskets, their best offensive players -- Durant, Westbrook and Harden -- need to be driving to the basket to finish, draw the foul or create for their teammates.

Part of the problem is Durant, their best player, is so long and spidery that he doesn't have that explosive burst to the basket that other top players like Lebron and D-Wade have. Still, he needs to drive more. And in the long run, he needs to develop his intermediate game and learn how to post people up.

Nowitski used to have a similar problem. I always thought the Mavs would never get over the hump if their best player settled for fallaway jumpers in the clutch. What appears to have changed for Dirk though is that, in addition to getting better at driving and creating either separation or contact, he's gotten so good as a midrange shooter, through talent and tireless repetition, that fallaway 15-footers are almost automatic for him.

2011-05-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

Canucks

Saw the final 10 minutes of the Sharks-Canucks game last night and wow. The Canucks' passing and puck-handling is ridiculous. It was like watching the 1985 Edmonton Oilers. The Sharks were completely outclassed. I've watched about two hours of total of the playoffs, but the Canucks are going to win the Stanley Cup. Good for them. Good for Canada. The end.

2011-05-14T21:02:00.000-07:00

Porn Laden

The news that an extensive porn stash was found in bin Laden's hideout is awesome, and if true it would do much to tarnish his image in the Islamic world, but besides the fact that it's not clear if the stash was actually Osama's, and not one of his cohorts', there's plenty of reason to be skeptical, because this reeks of U.S. military propaganda. See Jessica Lynch, Pat Tillman, the Pentagon's military analyst program.

It's hilarious that bin Laden's compound was stocked with Coke and Pepsi, though. He hated America, but even the bin Laden household couldn't resist Infidel Cola.

2011-05-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

Fried cheese

Have you ever just thrown some cheddar cheese in a pan and fried it up? Maybe taken it down with some eggs, bacon and toast? If not -- buddy, you're missing out.

This post brought to you by Globex, the world's leading supplier of coronary stents.

2011-05-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

Bin Ladski

I was sympathetic at first to the argument that the U.S. should release proof that bin Laden is dead, but then it occurred to me how unnecessary it is. If he's alive, then surely he or his al Qaeda buddies will release a statement or audiotape saying just that. The lingering question, among many, I most want the answer to: Was this a straight execution or did bin Laden really do something to suggest he was resisting? It's looking like the former.

UPDATE: Less than a day after I wrote this, al Qaeda confirmed bin Laden's death. So there you have it.

2011-05-02T22:37:00.000-07:00

10 years

The death of bin Laden is bringing back the memories. Remember how some commentators were saying the Sept. 11 attacks spelled "the end of irony"? Those people were really smart.

2011-05-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

From the department of obvious jokes

In the first draft of his statement regarding the death of Osama bin Laden, Obama began: "Suck on this, Trump."

2011-04-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

Journalism

My friend Chris passed along this video, which offers a darkly humorous take on the future of the newspaper profession.

Journalism in 2011. More like this:

Less like this:

2011-04-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

'You must have been the class clown!'

"Waiting for Guffman" wasn't as good as "Best in Show," but it had its moments. Interesting that Eugene Levy is still cranking out the "American Pie" straight-to-video sequels. I wonder what he gets paid. "Enough" is probably the answer.

2011-04-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

The bright side

If it makes Butler fans feel any better, the Bulldogs' 18.8 field goal percentage last night is slightly higher than the odds of getting shot with a fully loaded revolver in a game of Russian roulette.

2011-04-02T11:03:00.001-07:00

'The Matrix' (shorter, alternate version)

Neo and Morpheus sit in upholstered chairs in a ratty room of Hotel Lafayette.

MORPHEUS: The Matrix is everywhere. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

NEO: What truth?

MORPHEUS: That you are a slave, Neo. That you, like everyone else, were born into bondage, kept inside a prison you cannot smell, taste or touch. A prison for your mind. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. Hold out your hands.

Morpheus takes out two pills and presents them to Neo.

MORPHEUS: You take the blue bill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red bill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Neo thinks for a moment.

NEO: I'll take the blue pill.

MORPHEUS: The blue pill?

NEO: That's right.

MORPHEUS: You're sure about that.

NEO: Yeah. This place isn't so bad. My boss is an A-hole, but now that I know this is all basically a dream, I don't have to worry about being late or getting fired.

Neo reaches out and plucks the blue pill from Morpheus's hand.

MORPHEUS: Neo, you must make your own choice. But I urge you: Think carefully. This is your last chance.

NEO: Plus maybe I can make a deal with that weird guy who calls me Mr. Anderson. Improve my situation. I'll be the Hugh Hefner of this biotch.

MORPHEUS: You're really going to screw us here, Neo.

NEO: Uh-huh.

MORPHEUS: Who'll help us fight the swarms of menacing, tentacled robots?

NEO: I'm sorry, man, but whatever you're up to, it sounds pretty miz. The Matrix is looking better every minute.

MORPHEUS: This is your choice?

NEO: Final answer.

MORPHEUS: If I weren't wearing sunglasses at night, in a poorly lit hotel room, you might see a tear forming in the corner of my eye.

Neo swallows the blue pill.

NEO: Nighty-night.

2011-03-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

Ruh-roh

Watching NBC's Richard Engel reporting from Libya on Thursday, he was hanging out with a rag-tag group of rebels, one of whom's weapon was a toy gun. When some fire came in from Qaddafi's forces, everyone took cover. The toy-gun owner tried to sneak out to pick up the toy gun, which he'd dropped, only to scurry back to cover when the group came under fire again. This is not going to end well.

2011-03-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

Chess

Playing the chess application on my new MacBook Pro. I used to think I was good at chess. In fact, I suck at chess.

2011-03-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

The sports

-Jimmer Fredette pulled a Brett Favre in overtime tonight. Turnovers, hoisting ill-advised threes. He did it all.

-Derrick Williams is a monster, and the remnants of the Duke Blue Devils are stuck between his yellow, razor-sharp teeth.

-Drew Hill died. I loved that group of receivers on the Oilers in the early '90s: Hill, Ernest Givins, Curtis Duncan, and (my favorite) Haywood Jeffires. I was deeply aggravated by "The Comeback."

2011-03-18T08:02:00.000-07:00

Sweet gigs

Gilbert Gottfried shouldn't worry so much about losing his AFLAC gig. As they say in Hollywood, another job is just around the ... Actually, no, wait. He will never get another job where he's paid a small fortune every year for saying one word.

2011-03-10T22:32:00.000-08:00

Trivial celebrity news

Alright, young lady. No more cartoons until you've finished your auditing from now on. You can't expect to become an Operating Thetan and regain your immortal self if you're clinging to the objects of infancy.

2011-03-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

Twogging

Just realized that most of the things I've written here lately are more like Tweets than blog posts, but I'm not on Twitter because I'm a dinosaur. #notwinning

2011-03-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

Two thouz elevs

Sunday night: Cropping photos of a camping trip my dad and I took in Nevada two years ago and taking in "Watch What Happens: Live" with my wife. Winning!

2011-02-27T18:21:00.000-08:00

Winning

"The Soup" on Friday showed a clip of Charlie Sheen restating his favorite theme when a camera crew caught up with him and one of his ladies outside a building, maybe a motel, apparently in the Bahamas. A cameraman asked him what he was doing, and he replied simply: "Winning."

From now on, whenever someone boots up a pitcher of Natty Light in the bathroom of a college dorm, rips a bong hit or sits down for a particularly nasty deuce, if someone asks what they're doing, they must answer: "Winning."

2011-02-24T22:02:00.000-08:00

Hoops karma

I have a soft spot for Baron Davis from his Warriors days, but he deserved to get shipped to Cleveland, the NBA equivalent of Pluto. He was content to mail it in at $13 million a year. It was fitting that he got dumped right when the Blake Griffin show gave him a reason to start trying.

2011-02-24T21:24:00.000-08:00

'Vatican assassin warlocks'

Not to pile on but ... Charlie Sheen is right: He is special. There's nothing common about a celebrity addict spiraling toward death in a fog of self-delusion. And who needs AA? Clearly, Sheen will be the first person in history to lead a rich and emotionally satisfying life while indulging in regular alcohol and cocaine binges. He is going to continue healing at a rate our unevolved minds cannot fathom, one battered porn star at a time.

2011-02-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

Hosni or Muammar

If you ever found yourself wondering over the years, who's the more despicable human being, Egyptian dictator Hosni Mubarak or Libyan strongman Muammar el-Qaddafi, it looks like you have your answer. Qaddafi: Winner of "North Africa's Most Brutal Dictator"!

Incidentally, reports out of Libya suggest an outsider is positioning himself to take over as the troubled nation's new strongman.

2011-02-22T20:23:00.000-08:00

Prop dunks

As I've said more times than I can remember, I agree with DeMar DeRozen. Enough with the props in the NBA dunk contest. Blake Griffin is an incredible dunker, and his 360 was amazing, but his winning dunk really wasn't that great. There's probably a couple dozen NBA players who could jump over the hood of a car and dunk. How's it any more difficult than jumping over a person to dunk, which has been done multiple times? Jump over the roof. That'll impress me.

While we're getting rid of props, let's limit the attempts. Nate Robinson was the worst offender in 2006, robbing Andre Iguodala when he needed about 15 tries to put down his winning dunk. You should get two free attempts, after which you're penalized for each failed attempt.

2011-02-21T21:41:00.000-08:00

'Da Bachelor'

Do the producers let the female contestants know that, if a certain percentage of them don't run toward the Bachelor, jump into his arms and wrap their legs around him when they meet him on solo dates or hometown visits, one of them will be selected at random for death?

2011-02-21T21:32:00.000-08:00

Qaddafs

All this news out of Libya reminds me that, in Jonathan Franzen's novel "Freedom," which I was halfway through when my son was born in November and which I haven't picked up since, the bad-boy punk-rocker character Richard's appearance is compared to that of Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi,* and it's meant to be flattering.

*Say what you will about the guy, but it's pretty cool to be known as a "strongman."

2011-02-20T22:24:00.000-08:00

Bad obsession

Does anyone care about the Judds besides Oprah Winfrey? I sort of doubt it. And does anyone in the U.S. care about Prince William's wedding besides the producers of "The Today Show"? Give it up, you worms! We will not yield.

(Yes, I am aware of original content on the Oprah network and conversant with recurrent topics on "The Today Show." Welcome to my life in 2011.)

2011-02-14T21:41:00.000-08:00

Lady Wacky Pants

I don't think Lady Gaga's zany costumes and eccentric behavior will ever get old.

2011-02-11T22:13:00.000-08:00

It's all relative

You know things must be bad when a nation of people is euphoric that governing authority has been turned over to a "council of military leaders." That never turns out poorly.

We can save the cynicism for another day though. What's happening right now in Egypt is pretty inspirational.

2011-02-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

An announcement from Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak

My fellow Egyptians, the uprising in Cairo has shaken our nation to its core, and it has convinced me to make this important announcement: I am leaving. I am leaving for my summer palace to contemplate the disturbing events of recent days. All this upheaval has been difficult for me, and I need a week of "Hosni time" to unwind and recharge my batteries.

When I get back, you can rest assured that there will be changes. For instance, I am going to eat more fresh vegetables. The roasted meats and soft cheeses upon which I regularly dine, while succulent and delicious, are not good for my health. To continue serving my people for years to come, I must take steps to improve my diet.

Of course, I have heard your demands that I relinquish power. I have heard them loud and clear, ringing from Tahrir Square. Therefore, I am giving my vice president, Omar Suleiman, broad new authority. He will pick out the uniforms of the staff at the presidential palace, and he'll get to choose the lounge we visit on Hookah Wednesdays. In addition--

Excuse me, my cameraman has just given me a note. It says the military has seized control of the government, soldiers are amassed outside the door, and they're planning to take me to the Nile and feed me to the crocodiles. Well, it looks like the belly dance is up. My beloved people, will you grant this old dictator one request? Can I authorize the rendition of a U.S. detainee once more, for old times sake? No? Ah, well. Someone hand me my pants.

2011-02-06T10:55:00.001-08:00

Super Bowl

Like most non-Pittsburgh residents, I'm pulling for the Packers. I hope Clay Matthews Jr. sprinkled extra HGH on his Cheerios this morning.

2011-02-05T21:22:00.000-08:00

America ascendant

Who's more deserving of a spot in hell: the people who created "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom" or the folks at US Weekly for putting them on the cover over and over again? Maybe once they get to the underworld, they'll have to fight to the death every night, with the winner getting tortured a little less by the demons the next day.

2011-02-03T21:54:00.000-08:00

New projects

Carlton Cuse, co-honcho of "Lost," is working on a new series about a Southern family's experience during the Civil War. Sounds great. Just remember, though, Carlton: You can't end the series by having everyone go to Heaven together, because you already did that.

2011-01-31T20:28:00.001-08:00

Odenkirk

Bob Odenkirk's got a good Shouts piece in the New Yorker. Which reminds me. I'd been meaning to blog about how good he is in "Breaking Bad" as sleazy but savvy lawyer Saul Goodman. He's really good. There, I said it. I'm only through Season 2, the first season in which he appeared, but I was blown away by how good he is. Is this solid blogging or what?

2011-01-14T22:26:00.000-08:00

Is this a joke?

Why is David Brooks in my New Yorker? Writing about "the science of human nature" no less? Reading books on sociology and psychology and then reaching dubious, bite-sized conclusions about human nature is Malcolm Gladwell's job, and he's better at it.

2011-01-13T19:38:00.000-08:00

Comments

There's a couple comments in the queue that aren't appearing for some reason. Maybe they'll show up someday. Meanwhile, to the person who commented on the Xmas tree netting post: sorry for my comment back to you, I overreacted.

2011-01-12T21:52:00.000-08:00

Hollywood

Any faint impulse I might have had to see "Season of the Witch" was extinguished once the trailer concluded. Not only did the director decide to have Nicolas Cage utter the words "Let's finish this!" but the people who produced the trailer decided that line, of all the dialogue in the film, had to be featured in the promotion. And while I think it's unfair that Ron Perlman never gets to act except when he's covered in prosthetics, maybe it's a bad omen when he does.

2011-01-10T23:30:00.000-08:00

Lullabies

Oddest songs that, my mind going blank, I've sung to my newborn while trying to amuse him/prevent him from crying:

1) "My Michelle," Guns N' Roses
2) The theme from "Green Acres"

2011-01-09T11:45:00.001-08:00

Buying a win

I'm thoroughly pessimistic about the Eagles' matchup with the Packers today. I mentioned to my wife I want to bet against the Eagles, but she wouldn't let me. But here's the thinking: If I wager $50 against the Eagles and they lose, then I win $50 bucks and the sting of the Eagles' loss is assauged by monetary gain. If the Eagles win, and I'd still be rooting for them wholeheartedly, then essentially I'm buying a win. Which is fine with me. I would gladly pay $50 for an Eagles' victory. What's wrong with this strategy, as a fan?

2011-01-06T22:02:00.000-08:00

Post-Christmas cheer

Would have blogged this a couple weeks ago, but, you know: baby. Anyway, I was thinking about Christmas tree netting. Could the human race devise something worse for aquatic life if it tried? Besides dumping all the world's toxic waste in the ocean at once. We've been told for years that plastic six-pack holder thingies are bad for marine animals because they can get caught in it and die. Well, Christmas tree netting is like several dozen six-pack holders linked together, only more tangly and pernicious. And why do they exist? Because when Americans drive their SUVs to Christmas tree lots to bring home evergreens that otherwise might have absorbed greenhouse gasses, they need their interaction with the tree to be as comfortable as possible. God forbid they scratch themselves or their vehicles or get needles on their carpet. Hence Xmas tree netting, which after serving its purpose for half an hour begins its long journey to the Pacific garbage patch to feast on dolphins and turtles.

2010-12-25T11:50:00.000-08:00

'Cocoa is for cobblers only'

Merry Christmas, peeps.

2010-12-23T23:07:00.000-08:00

Homer

All I want for Christmas is a two-ton elephant seal. This cutie's name is Homer, and he apparently took to roaming a parking lot in New Zealand and bashing cars, maybe confusing them for some of his blubbery buddies. I hope things turned out alright for him.

2010-12-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

Nitpicking Frank Zappa

The lyrics in "What's the Ugliest Part of Your Body" go:

What's the ugliest part of your body?
What's the ugliest part of your body?
Some say your nose, some say your toes,
I think it's your mind.

The mind is not a body part. It's consciousness, the unconscious -- all the intangible products of the brain's chemical processes. You don't say someone has suffered a "traumatic mind injury," for instance, unless they've been forced to watch a "Two and a Half Men" marathon or explain, step-by-step, how the Man in Black found and exploited the "loophole" to kill Jacob in "Lost."

This has been an edition of "Nitpicking Frank Zappa."

2010-12-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

The Chuck Berry catalog

"Back to the Future" would have taken on quite a different tone if Marty McFly had played "My Dingaling" instead of "Johnny B. Goode" at the school dance.

2010-11-21T11:24:00.001-08:00

Hornswaggler Jr.

Dear Reader(s): Sorry for the lack of posts. For once, I have a legitimate excuse: the birth of my son, Pierce, who is approaching two weeks old. He is a mostly benevolent overlord to his proud mother and father, whom he allows to sleep with some regularity. He's also a good eater. To paraphrase Captain McAllister: Tis no baby, tis a remorseless eating machine.

2010-11-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

Words of wisdom

Blood is thicker than water, but not too thick to drink with a straw.

2010-10-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

Week-old news

The logic of conservatives regarding the NRP flap: How dare NPR censor Juan Williams by firing him! We should censor NPR by cutting off its government funding.

2010-10-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

Lebron

Not sure the best way to dispel criticism that you're a misguided narcissist is to ~~strike a transparently insincere pose of self-doubt~~ play Insincere Hamlet* in a national TV ad.

*To be, or not to be. That is the question I'd like you to think I'm contemplating.

2010-10-28T20:42:00.001-07:00

Faustian

The San Francisco Giants made a pact with the devil. That's the only way to explain what's going on this postseason. Cody Ross is the officiant during the team's pregame rituals, and Juan Uribe wields the knife when the goats are led to slaughter. Aubrey Huff's thong has been soaked in the pureed liver of an endangered monk seal and the tears of an orphan.

2010-10-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

Time appreciation

I'm hearing more and more TV/radio types tell guests, "I appreciate your time," which is sort of an abbreviation for "I appreciate your taking the time to talk to me." Totally nonsensical though. "I appreciate your time. You I don't appreciate, but your time -- your time is phenomenal. Some of the best time I've ever seen. It flows so smoothly and regularly from one second to the next. And the fact that you gave me some of it, that really means a lot."

2010-10-21T08:46:00.000-07:00

Whew!

So glad to see James Harrison has decided not to retire. The poor guy. I mean, if he can't spear defenseless wide receivers in the head with his helmet, how can he possibly play football?

2010-10-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

Chompers

So in the "Mad Men" season finale there was a passing mention of actress Jessica Pare's teeth and now it turns out apparently there are people who are obsessed with the fact that her teeth don't live up to some arbitrary standard of perfection. Besides this guy (follow the link for a photo of her smiling, exposing her shameful biological chewing structures), TV critic Alan Sepinwall mentioned on the Bill Simmons podcast he'd gotten a lot of comments on his site.

Uh, there's nothing wrong with her teeth. Jessica Pare is a stunningly attractive woman. For me, the fact that her teeth don't look like they came off an assembly line makes her more attractive, not less. It gives her individuality and character, even vulnerability.

People are strange. This is a symptom of the cultural disease to which Heidi Montag succumbed.

2010-10-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

Eight kinds of wrong

Bill Simmons set some sort of record for dumb Tweets tonight regarding the Yankees-Rangers game. Here they are in order:

The nonstop Cliff Lee hype + Vegas making Texas slight favs vs Pettitte in NY has me convinced: Game 3 will be a Yankee romp. Lock it down.

Cliff Lee's been on 4 teams in the last 15 mths. He went 4-6 for Texas with a 3.98 ERA. Now he's 1986 Mike Scott? Come on. Yanks in a romp.

Andy Pettitte has 18 postseason wins! Most ever! And he's an underdog at home in a playoff game? Come on... this is the dumbest thing ever.

Yanks starting to figure out Lee. You can see it. Only question is whether their bats will explode in the 5th or 6th inning.

Yanks did their job - they wore out Lee in 7 innings, now they can feast on Texas' set-up guys. Bookies wouldn't take odds on a big NYY 8th.

You can almost feel this walkoff 3-run HR by A-Rod coming, can't you?

Looks like it's not New York's night tonight. I'd like to apologize to the Yankee fans for screwing things up tonight. My bad.

Lee wound up taking a 2-0 lead into the ninth inning, at which point the Rangers broke it open, batting around in the last inning and sending Yankees fans to the exits. Final score: Rangers 8 - Yankees 0. Not sure what prompted Simmons to think Cliff Lee was overhyped. He came into the game with a 6-0 lifetime postseason record and an ERA of 1.44. Now it's 7-0 and an even-lower ERA. Simmons ends by apologizing to Yankees fans, apparently for jinxing their team. He should have apologized to regular readers like myself who are left to wonder how someone who follows baseball as closely as he does could be so clueless.

UPDATE: He's still at it today with the pro-Yankees stuff. Looks like this is just an elaborate reverse jinx on Yankees. My irony detector was out of whack.

2010-10-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

'The Social Network'

Well, we have our most overrated film of 2010. Just like "A History of Violence" in 2005 and "Avatar" last year, "The Social Network" is drawing inordinate praise from critics, who are writhing with pleasure over this portrait of "Facebook" billionaire Mark Zuckerberg.*

"The Social Network" is a decent movie, but a few problems derailed it for me:

1) Its depiction of Harvard's final clubs. Zuckerberg is presented as being preoccupied** with the clubs, bastions of elites to which he is not granted entrance. In an early scene, women in nightclub attire are bussed to one of the clubs, where a club leader stands on the stairs and greets them by shouting in a very self-serious voice, "Ladies, welcome to the first party of the season at (whatever its name was), one of the oldest and most prestigious clubs at Harvard," or something to that effect. This may sound crazy, but I don't think Harvard guys are quite that lame and pretentious. Then director David Finch shows the party progressing and women who look like lingerie models dancing in their underwear on tables. Sorry, somehow I doubt parties at Harvard social clubs are indistinguishable from spring break at Lake Havasu.

2) The groupie effect. Within two weeks or so of Facebook going live, Zuckerburg and his then-buddy and CFO Eduardo Saverin attend a talk on campus by Bill Gates, when they are hit on by two hot women who later that night service them in stalls in the men's room at a restaurant. Please. The guy had just started a campus website. This wasn't "Appetite for Destruction"-era Axl Rose.

3) Two of Zuckerberg's primary antagonists, the Winklevoss brothers, were overcooked by about half an hour. They could step off the screen and right into a "Revenge of the Nerds" remake. Exhibit A: The remark by one of the twins (both played by the same actor) as to why he doesn't want to sue Zuckerberg: "We're gentlemen of Harvard." What is this, 1879? This and the stuff with the final clubs contribute to a portrait of Harvard that is caricature, a lazy, unnecessary twisting of the institution into something it's not to serve the dramatic needs of the film.

4) Anyone who's seen "A Few Good Men" knows Aaron Sorkin doesn't believe realism is an important consideration when depicting the legal process. I happen to like "A Few Good Men," but you have to suspend your disbelief in the courtroom scenes, particularly the testimony of Col. Jessup (Nicholson), e.g. the part where he turns it around and starts asking Lt. Kaffee (Cruise) questions.

In "The Social Network," Sorkin uses the depositions in the lawsuits against Mark Zuckerberg as the narrative engine of the story, cutting back and forth from "present day" to the past. He ignores the fact that depositions don't consist of plaintiff, defendant and attorneys sitting around a table talking to one another, i.e. Zuckerberg isn't going to be sitting there when Saverin lays out his side of the story

That's a minor quibble. What bothered me was the hackneyed moment when we return from a flashback to the deposition, and the attorneys have to get Saverin's attention because he's swivelled a chair around to face the window in the 20th-floor conference room and is looking out at the vista below, lost in thought. Because when you're being questioned by attorneys in a multimillion-dollar lawsuit, sometimes you just feel like turning away from them and zoning out, staring vacantly out the window.

The point of all these criticisms is that "The Social Network" is an entertainment, not a cinematic masterpiece, as some critics are suggesting. I've heard comparisons to "Citizen Kane," which is ludricrous. Great films don't make your BS detector light up every five minutes.

I can understand why Sorkin and Fincher took the liberties they did. They were making a movie about a 6-year-old social networking company that lets people "poke" one other and share the riveting details of their visit to the DMV. They needed to spice it up. And they succeeded in making a compelling film. But they missed the other solution to the quandry of telling the story of Facebook: Don't make a movie about Facebook. Did the world really need this movie?

Which brings us to the ethical question. This movie is based on "Accidental Billionaires," which as most people know played fast and loose with the facts and apparently was based primarily on the recollections of Saverin, who went into the project with a 60-pound ax to grind. Reading some recent stories on the characters in the Facebook drama makes it clear that Zuckerberg and Sean Parker are made to look worse than they really are and Saverin* is made to look better than he really is. It wouldn't have been that difficult for the filmmakers to discover the truth of the situation -- this isn't ancient history. But it might have made for a less interesting story, so they ignored it.

In the end, this is a decent piece of entertainment that deliberately gives a misleading account of events that aren't even a decade old. For better** or worse, Sorkin and Fincher will have to live that choice.*****

*Best part of this movie was Jessie Eisenberg. Brilliant performance.
**In real life he denies he was ever interested in the final clubs.
***This is a guy who apparently wore suits everyday to class. There's a nine-letter word for a guy like this that begins with "D."
****Given that a trite piece of garbage like "Crash" won Best Picture in 2004, Oscars are certainly possible here.
*****Sorkin appeared to experience a pang of conscience when told by the New Yorker that "The West Wing" had been one of Zuckerberg's favorite TV shows.

2010-10-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

Always on my mind

I was listening to the Elvis channel on Sirius/XM the other day and heard "You Were Always on My Mind." Nice tune, but this has to be one of the most unpersuasive love songs in the annals of American music. Consider the lyrics:

Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine

If I made you feel second best
Girl I'm so sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied, satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

In other words: I took you for granted. I didn't make you feel special. Physically, I wasn't what you'd call affectionate. I didn't give you flowers or do other things to show you I cared about you. But! And this is a big "but." I thought about you a lot. When I was out there on the road, even when I was with other women, you were always on my mind, right up there with football, beer, music, and those other women I just mentioned. Now, yes -- you might think that, what with you always being on my mind and all, I might have done something about it or made an effort to show I cared. That's a good point. The explanation there is that I'm pretty much a lazy, careless guy. Anyway, you want to give this thing another shot? No? Okay, well, you mind if I crash here tonight on the couch or something? Doreen kicked me out.

2010-10-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

Broken Bells

A little late to the party with these guys, but good stuff by Danger Mouse and James Mercer from The Shins. We seem to be living in a melodically challenged age, at least as far as I can tell in my limited exposure to mainstream and indie music of the past few years. But a good melody here. As for the video, I don't really notice the first time I watched, but kinda funny how they just take the kid's remote-control truck.

UPDATE: Perhaps an even better song. And a strange sci-fi video starring Christina Hendricks.

2010-10-07T08:42:00.001-07:00

Stewart and Sanchez

There seems to have been some confusion among reporters and editors about Rick Sanchez's firing. I saw a lot of headlines and stories that appeared to suggest Sanchez was fired from CNN for calling Jon Stewart a bigot. That's not why he was fired. He was fired for comparing his bosses at CNN to Stewart, whom he had just described as a bigoted elitist, and throwing in a Jews-run-the-media platitude for good measure. If all he'd done was call Stewart a bigot, he probably would have been reprimanded and ordered to issue a statement of apology.

I'm not sure what was so hard for everybody to understand here. It's common sense. It's like posting, "I hate my stupid job, my bosses suck," on Facebook. You're going to get canned.

2010-10-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

Baseball

Not much to add about Roy Halladay's no-hitter last night. Arguably the greatest individual performance in Philadelphia sports history. He was, as they say, in the zone. Phil Sheridan of the Philly Inquirer wrote that Jimmy Rollins usually says a few words to Halladay before a start, but decided not to this time. Rollins' pregame impression: "Roy looks like he's in a different world right now."

2010-10-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

Football

Stanford lost to Oregon on Saturday because the coaches angered the football gods when they had a player fake an injury. Oregon was driving for the tying touchdown, down 38-31, using a sort of hurry up offense that was tiring out the Stanford defense, so a linebacker faked a leg injury to slow the offense down and give the defense a breather. He came off the field with an exaggerated limp, then came back out on the very next play, no worse for the wear. Oregon went on to score, then knocked out a Stanford wide receiver, forcing a fumble that was returned for a TD and ultimately won 52-31. The football gods don't like that kind of s%*#, Jim Harbaugh. It's unsportsmanlike.

Arian Foster reminds me a little bit of Eric Dickerson. Minus the goggles, thankfully.

So everyone knows Chuck Cecil, the Titans D coordinator, gave an official the finger from the sideline Sunday. Classy. I'm amazed Chuck Cecil's gray matter is non-soupy enough to allow him to tie his shoes, let alone coach in the NFL. The guy was a violent football player. It's a travesty that there isn't a YouTube compilation of his hits. I remember one against a Redskins tight end that was one of the gnarliest hits I've ever seen. He would have been fined $1 million for that hit in today's NFL.

Kevin Harlan, the CBS announcer, uses the word "hit" for "completion," and he should stop. As in, "Carson Palmer looks downfield, and he finds TO with the 20-yard hit." I don't know where he came up with this, but it doesn't work. No one else in the world uses "hit" to describe a reception. It's not good to be different, Kevin. Conform.

2010-09-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

RIP Greg Giraldo

Man, what a bummer. I guess a lot of people knew him from Comedy Central roasts, but his standup was great.

2010-09-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

The secret

It's kind of amazing how many celebrity fragrances there are. I was at the mall yesterday and there was a big promotion for Antonio Banderas' cologne, The Secret. You know what the secret is? Being extraordinarily handsome and speaking English with a Spanish accent. If you can cram that in a bottle, let me know, because I might try that out on a Friday night. Otherwise I'll pass.

2010-09-27T22:16:00.000-07:00

Football blogging

Mike McCarthy basically lost the game for the Packers tonight when he challenged that fumble by James Jones right before the two-minute warning. By the time he'd thrown his challenge flag, replays had shown the ball and the Bear who recovered it had clearly stayed in bounds. The score was tied, the Bears had the ball near midfield, and the Packers had the two-minute stoppage and all three timeouts. Even if the Packers D allowed a field goal, those four timeouts could certainly provide enough time for Aaron Rodgers to drive for a game-tying field goal. Instead, the Packers coach challenged the call and lost a timeout. Following a pass interference penalty, the Bears were able to run the clock down to eight seconds before kicking a field goal. The Pack got unlucky there, and that penalty significantly hurt their chances of tying the game. Still, if they'd kept the timeout, they would have at least had a chance with 40 seconds or so to attempt a tying drive. Wow, did I just write all that? It must have been very boring to read.

Speaking of the Packers, is there a better last name for an NFL linebacker than Zombo? I'm not aware of one.

Can you believe those jackholes who criticized Andy Reid for benching Kevin Kolb in favor of Mike Vick? Man, what were they smoking?

Drafting Joe McKnight sure is working out for the Jets, huh? They let Leon Washington go and replaced him with McKnight, who's been a total bust. Then the other day, to make room to resign WR David Clowney, they released RB Danny Woodhead, whom the coaches loved because of his toughness, no doubt because GM Mike Tannenbaum couldn't admit making a mistake with McKnight. Washington went berserk for the Seahawks on Sunday, and Woodhead ran for a nifty 22-yard touchdown for the Patriots.

2010-09-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

Laffs

2010-09-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

On the other hand

Why should I object when Andy Reid eschews his usual stubborness? And isn't it a good thing that he's paying attention to the mood in the locker room? And isn't he obligated to find out if Vick has finally put it all together? If Vick applies himself in the film room and studies, just how good could he be?

As Wendy Torrance told Jack Torrance as he advanced on her on the stairs of the Overlook, I'm very confused, and I just need some time to think things over.

2010-09-21T22:45:00.000-07:00

The beginning of the end of the Andy Reid era

It's come to this: Andy Reid would rather throw away the carefully developed long-term plan for his team and more than $10 million of his boss's money than run the football.

That's one way to look at his myopic decision to start Michael Vick over Kevin Kolb. ESPN's Sal Palantonio reported yesterday that team sources told him the sorry state of team's offensive line was a factor in the Big Avocado's decision to bench Kolb. Vick is more likely to escape the pass-rushers the Eagles' porous O-line -- the decline of which is the result of Reid's questionable personnel decisions, from the Andrews brothers saga to Jason Peters and the failure to make the line a priority in recent drafts -- allows to swarm the QB than Kolb, who's much less mobile and already suffered a concussion. Of course, Reid could protect Kolb by running the ball and providing him with more blockers on pass plays -- you know, game-planning -- but where's the fun in that?

All these years Reid has been so stubborn, resisting pressure from fans and media commentators who harped on his pathological refusal to run the ball, pointed out that James Thrash and Todd Pinkston weren't starting NFL players or questioned the logic of helming the most pass-heavy West Coast offense in league history with an inaccurate QB. Now, when the stubborness to stick to a plan would have actually done him some good, he abandoned it.

The players in the locker room -- who like Reid (and the usual suspects on TV like Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin) are drawn to Vick's talent like 2-year-olds to a choo-choo train --may like the decision to go with the more dynamic player, but in the long term Reid's relationship with his players is likely to suffer. The Eagles brass already had a reputation for cold-hearted disloyalty. Soon the players will wonder whether they can trust a single word coming out of Reid or anyone in the front office's mouths. Reid said Tuesday that Kolb's future remains bright in Philadelphia. That's obvious, laughable BS. If Vick, whose contract expires at the end of the year, continues to play well, the Eagles will have no choice but to sign him to a longer-term deal. What are they going to do instead, let Vick walk and go with the QB who a) they jilted* and b) still hasn't gotten the chance to show whether he's the real deal?

Instead the Eagles, who finally had been on the cusp of turning over the offense to an accurate quarterback who can read a defense, appear to be marrying themselves to an athletic QB who's more than 30 years old and has never had a reputation for accuracy or sound decision-making, just like Donovan McNabb, the guy Reid jettisoned this offseason. It'll be exciting to watch Vick play, but Eagles fans aren't hungering for excitement. They want a championship.

Reid is off his moorings now. Is it possible this will work out, that a rejuvenated Vick will lead Eagles to the Super Bowl? Anything's possible. What's probable is that Reid's impulsive abandonment of the long-term plan for the franchise will lead to disarray and, ultimately, his own dismissal.

*What's worse, Lebron James' diss of Cleveland or waiting patiently for three years for your chance to start in the NFL, being told you're the guy, playing 15 offensive snaps, getting your face slammed into the turf by Clay Matthews, then being told you're headed back to the bench and realizing your best chance to be a starter is over before it really began? (It's likely Kolb will get another chance to play this season, since the chances that Vick will get hurt at some point are high, but whether he'll get to play enough to show what he can do is doubtful.)

2010-09-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

Affleck comes clean

This was a heckuva hoax: No one was fooled, no one saw the movie, and now everyone dislikes Joacquin Phoenix.

I'd obviously have to see the movie to say for sure, but it seems to me Casey Affleck would have been better off not trying to fool anybody and just trying to make a piece of fiction. Same actor, same subject matter, just don't pretend it's real. They still could have filmed a Letterman appearance, for instance, just not put it on TV beforehand.

2010-09-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

Watchin'

CNN today described Elizabeth Warren, tapped with establishing the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, as a "tough, independent watchdog." She certainly sounds impressive, but given the importance of this new agency, I think they should have appointed a human.

2010-09-11T20:55:00.000-07:00

Silly questions

I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "How is that we always have money for war, but not for education?" That is so naive. We wage wars to preserve our freedom, so that we can fail to educate our children in peace.

2010-09-09T09:16:00.001-07:00

Words of wisdom

There's more than one way to skin a cat. But regardless of how you do it, if you're preparing to eat a domestic animal, it's time to take stock of your life.

2010-09-07T09:09:00.000-07:00

A perfect fit

My wife and I were in a car dealership Sunday and Monday, looking for a new car, and Eddie Money's "Take Me Home Tonight" -- a song about the unusual approach to flirting espoused by one Eddie Money, who apparently is homeless and mentally ill -- played over the radio in the showroom both days. Is there a better place for Eddie Money songs to be broadcast than in a building filled with car salesmen? The answer is no.

2010-09-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

Paging the Coen brothers

Suffocating in a chimney. Not a good way to go.

2010-09-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

Words of wisdom

Ask not what your country can do for you -- demand what your country must do for you.

2010-08-31T08:42:00.000-07:00

'True Blood' (spoilery)

The third season has been pretty good, a modest improvement over season two, which was bogged down by the Eggs-Tara romance (their passion was ignited by their shared love of terrible acting ). But at this point I'm not sure how this show is going to last. Throwing new critters at us each season isn't the solution. Early this season we got werewolves, and we just got jaguar people. What's next? A clan of platypus shifters? Dinosaurs?

Even though it's been a decent season overall (I'm one episode behind), we've had our share of annoying subplots. Let's rank them:

5) The romance between Lafayette and the mental hospital nurse. They wanted to give Lafayette something to do, but this shouldn't have been it.

4) Jason's stint with the sheriff's office. It's a plot line that never really develops, and it doesn't make sense that Andy Bellefleur would allow Jason to sign up by threatening to reveal who shot Eggs (see below).

3) Andy and Jason's conspiring to keep who shot Eggs a secret. Who cares? Eggs was advancing on someone with a knife. The shooting was justified. I don't think the county DA -- who if he exists is no doubt a drunk and has bigger, bloodier fish to fry -- would pursue the case.

2) Sam's pseudo-adoption of Tommy. Not only is Tommy's obdurate bad behavior a boring waste of time, but this whole development has turned Sam, the kinda laidback single guy, into a hectoring tool: "C'mon, Tommy! Jeez! When are you gonna straighten up and fly right?" Plus now they've added a dubious criminal backstory for Sam involving heists and a deadly double-cross. Are they trying to turn him into Sawyer from "Lost"?

1) Anything having to do with Tara. Seriously, it's time to kill this character off. I'm sure she's a nice person, but the actress who plays Tara is terrible. And I mean awful. Though it's almost amusing to consider what sort of planning she puts into her performance: "Okay, in this scene I'm very frightened, so I'm going to open my eyes as wide as possible and try to make my eyebrows twitch."

It doesn't help that the writers have turned what promised in early episodes to be a strong young woman into a perpetual victim, who constantly whines and lashes out at Sookie in anger. Ugh. I did some research on the Wikipedia, and it turns out Tara was a minor character in the books, and Alan Ball and Co. have given her a much bigger role in the TV series. Bad call. Get rid of her by any means necessary. She's dragging down the show.

UPDATE: I finally saw the penultimate episode of the season, so I'm caught up. Let me amend what I said about Rutina Wesley, the actress who plays Tara. She's not bad at everything. When she's being sarcastic or having a normal conversation, she's fine. It's when she gets lovey-dovey, angry or fearful -- basically, any kind of emotion -- that she stumbles. So maybe it's the writers' fault for not recognizing her limitations as an actress and "putting her in a position to succeed," as football coaches say. What the "True Blood" writers have done is like Andy Reid taking an inaccurate QB and putting him at the helm of the most pass-happy offense in the NFL. Which brings me to my solution: Trade Tara to the Redskins.

Also, the guy they have playing the high school QB has no idea how to throw a football. Might have wanted to check that out before casting him.

2010-08-31T08:16:00.001-07:00

Evil Kenneth

"Parks and Recreation" has gone from underrated to overrated in a hurry. I've even seen a couple critics suggest it's the best comedy on TV, when it's still not the best comedy on NBC on Thursday. I saw most of the episodes last season and the show never consistently reached the heights it attained in the "Sister City" episode.

Anyway, above is one of my favorite moments from last season's "30 Rock," still the king of Thursday night, in which Kenneth, feeling unappreciated, briefly turns evil, even channeling the Emperor for a moment.

2010-08-25T14:08:00.000-07:00

Words of wisdom

Always be sure to get your ducks in a row; never count your chickens before they hatch; and never put all your eggs in one basket. I'm assuming, of course, that you own poultry?

2010-08-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

Who could forget "Mr. Telephone Man," the 1984 hit by New Edition. What's that you say? You had forgotten about it completely, and now it's going to be stuck in your head for days? Sorry.

There's something about the chorus of this song -- "Mr. Telephone Man, there's something wrong with my line/When I dial my baby's number, I get a click every time" -- that I find amusing. There's a sketch here somewhere about an earnest, mentally challenged young man who's quick to ask professionals for help:

A member of New Edition sits on the ground, staring in bemusement at the phone in his hand. He dials zero.
OPERATOR: Operator assistance, can I help you?
CONFUSED YOUNG MAN: (sings) Mr. Telephone Man, there's something wrong with my line! When I dial my baby's number, I get a click every time.
OPERATOR: Sir, you've reached the operator. I think you need to call your phone company.
CYM: But I get a click!
OPERATOR: Okay.
CYM: I can't reach my baby!
OPERATOR: You're a special young man, aren't you? Perhaps I can help you. What number are you dialing?
CYM: 862-4784
OPERATOR: And where does the person you're calling live?
CYM: In the other place.
OPERATOR: The other place. Like another part of town, maybe?
CYM: Yeah.
OPERATOR: You may have to dial the area code first. Do you know what that is?
CYM: No.
OPERATOR: Ask a friend where this person lives, then get the three-digit area code. Make sure to dial "1" before the number, okay?
CYM: Thanks, Telephone Man!

And then repeat this scenario with Mr. Home Fixin' Man, whom the young man calls to figure out why his refrigerator isn't working (it isn't plugged in), and Mr. Television Man, who helps our protagonist determine why "Scooby Doo" did not come on its regularly scheduled hour (there's a bowling ball-sized hole in the screen).

My favorite part of the video, by the way, is the token lame, ineffectual white guy. What a performance! How is it that this weaver of illusions has not become a household name?

2010-08-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

Football

After a brilliant touchdown run made it seem like his skills had returned, prompting certain individuals to write bizarre blog posts, it turned out Michael Vick has forgotten how to throw a football.

49ers coach Mike Singletary, a Texas native, is the only real person I've ever seen who says "Looky here" (pronouncing the second word "hee-uh"). He says it often. I find this interesting.

Some columnist, I forget who, recently suggested Packers cornerback Charles Woodson might wind up in the Hall of Fame. Please. If that happens, it would be a travesty. The guy loafed it his first 10 years in the league and then turned it on the last couple years in Green Bay. He's one of the most overrated players in recent NFL history. I remember him getting beat routinely during his time in Oakland. I did a quick search for his highlights online and couldn't find a comprehensive reel, just stuff from 2009 and a lot of stuff from college. Know why? Because it doesn't exist. He had the talent to be one of the great DBs of all time, but he didn't aspire to that. With his ability, he should have a Deion Sanders-esque highlight reel. He doesn't.

2010-08-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

Bad movies

"Behind Enemy Lines" was on HBO today so for purely morbid reasons I watched the last 20 minutes or so. I was reminded that, yes, this is a terrible movie. And once again I recalled this snippet from Jeffrey Goldberg's 2007 profile of Sen. Joe Lieberman:

Lieberman likes expressions of American power. A few years ago, I was in a movie theatre in Washington when I noticed Lieberman and his wife, Hadassah, a few seats down. The film was “Behind Enemy Lines,” in which Owen Wilson plays a U.S. pilot shot down in Bosnia. Whenever the American military scored an onscreen hit, Lieberman pumped his fist and said, “Yeah!” and “All right!”

This passage has always stuck with me. Politics aside, a grown man who cheers audibly in a movie theater while watching "Behind Enemy Lines" has the emotional development of a 10-year-old.

2010-08-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

Customer service

Our wireless router is back up after conking out a few days ago. Comical interaction when calling AT&T U-verse to get someone out to fix it. The training these help people receive is a bit over the top. The guy told me several times how profoundly sorry he was that I was having a problem. That's okay, "Jason." There hasn't been a death in the family. Just get someone out here to fix the web-surfin' box. He said he was glad to be my partner in solving the problem. This isn't a vision quest or natural birth, Jason. Let's just dispatch a technician as fast as we can, shall we? Later, apropos of nothing, he asked if I was alone. Physically? Spiritually? Was old Jason cooking up an armed robbery? Odd.

2010-08-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

Armisen

A gem from the 2009-2010 "SNL" season. Fred Armisen captures something essential here about certain Europeans' incapacity for cool. Having spent some time in Germany, I can report there is some truth to the notion that Germans lack the gene for coolness. I'm fond of Germany and its people, but they're not the hippest cats around. And though I haven't spent much time in Denmark or the Netherlands, they seem to have a similar affliction.

2010-08-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

Golf, and my hatred of it

The centerpiece on ESPN.com right has the headline, "A trap of his own design," and the subhead, "It's OK to hurt for Dustin Johnson, says Gene Wojciechowski. Just know that's he got only himself to blame."

I think that summary was written specifically to prevent me from clicking on the link. I'm not hurting for Dustin Johnson, but if I were hurting, I don't think I'd need Gene Wojahoosknut's permission to do so. And why does Gene Wojachowskinville need to get all tough and moralistic on young Dustin Johnson? Way to take a stand, Gene Worshinghammski!

I actually saw the shot in question, having flipped on the tournament for about five minutes. It didn't look like a sandtrap, but it's hard to tell with all those idiotic spectators crowded so tightly around the ball, hoping to be part of the action. One of these days a golfer's going to be unnerved by the claustrophobic crowd and shank a shot like that right into someone's face. My favorite part though came milliseconds after Johnson hit the ball, when everyone around him shouted euphorically as if they knew it was a good shot. One clown rushed to where Johnson had struck the ball, whooping and hollering with his fingers held aloft in victory signs. Except it wasn't a good shot. He'd sent it into the rough left of the green. Morons.

2010-08-14T21:40:00.000-07:00

Verbositude

After a nightmarish three years during which he lost his good name and multimillion-dollar forture, was imprisoned for abusing and killing dogs for sport and profit; after his skill and rare talent diminished to such a degree that many people thought those attributes would never return, Michael Vick scampered neatly for a touchdown Friday, setting up the last defender with an inside swerve and then stiffarming him to the ground, his net worth seeming to spike visibly. As he returned to the sideline, Kafka whispered a word of encouragement.

2010-08-13T23:40:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Glen!

Today ay ay ... I (Anthony Dixon) consider myself elf elf ... the luckiest man an an ... in the National Football League.

2010-08-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

Go figure

An annoying actress plays the lead in the adaptation of an annoying book and the result is an annoying movie.